I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
