I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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