She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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