I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
