i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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