Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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