The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
