i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
