I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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