Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
