she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
