Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
