i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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