You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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