i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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