I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
