Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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