you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
