I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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