It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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