before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
