what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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