i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
