It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
