Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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