There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
