why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
