I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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