Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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