Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
