I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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