I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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