Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We need a shit load of segways right now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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