I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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