If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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