Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
