I look better un-naked...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
