Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
bring money and cleavage
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
