God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
