So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
