Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
