I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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