Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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