Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
