For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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