EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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