Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
