don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
