Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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