i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
