wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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