I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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