exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
